"Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome" (Nancy C. Anderson)

TITLE: Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair-Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage
AUTHOR: Nancy C. Anderson
PUBLISHER: Grand Rapids, MI: Kregel Publications, 2017, (152 pages).

Getting married is easy. Staying married is the hard part. What about preparation to stay married? This is where this book fills in the gap. In other words, don't wait until the crisis before doing something about our marriages. Nourish and prepare for the challenges in the road ahead. For all marriages will be challenging in one way or another. Popular author, Nancy Anderson believes that it is possible, even though she had admitted cheating on her husband before. That was then. Having survived infidelity, she is back on a mission to use her story to help others build affair-proof hedges around their marriages. For Anderson, it takes years of rebuilding after that momentary fling with sexual temptation and adultery. Readers will not find lots of theories or concepts about marriage. Instead, they will be witnessing the sudden fall from grace and the long road to recovery. Written in two parts, Part One describes the author's betrayal of her marriage vows; confession of her affair; and the difficult journey of restoring her broken marriage. Each chapter is about what happened in her life that leads to her poor decisions. Before the confession, there was confusion about what was the right thing to do. Would she let her feelings rule the day, or will she return to the fundamental meaning of the marital vows. Plus, how does one apply biblical principles of truth and reconciliation in this complicated web of betrayal and distrust? So, before Anderson and her husband press the divorce button, they realize that recovery is possible. All it takes is commitment and determination to make things right. In starting over, she learns many lessons and takes the time to share these lessons with us. The rest of the book is about her experience and how we can avoid falling into the pitholes of temptations. How to plant and build hedges around one's marriage? Anderson goes through eight whole chapters on how to do just that. Each chapter springboards out of a biblical verse. Anderson uses HEDGES as an acronym for action:

• H = Hearing
• E = Encouraging
• D = Dating
• G = Guarding
• E = Educating
• S = Satisfying

Each of these forms a chapter on its own. Hedges are not just a one-time structure placed and ignored. It is to be carefully planted, watered, trimmed, and cared for. She gives us tips about hearing and discerning what are the things that are significant and what are not. Communications need to be specific and honest. Encouragement comes through many forms. Anderson includes a HELP acronym to show us how about encouragement through Hands; Ears; Lips; and Prayers. Dating is not simply a pre-marriage matter but life-long. We also need to guard our time; our decisions; and our hearts against threats to our marriage. Educating means we never stop learning about our spouses; gender differences; personality traits; family backgrounds; etc. In Satisfying, Anderson goes straight for the jugular that men generally need sex while women need affections. Most adultery stems from unfulfilled need for intimacy. We must guard against this.

Each chapter ends with a couple of things to think about as well as some things one could do to serve their spouses. The ideas are practical and doable. At the end of the book is an interview with Anderson's husband, who shares about the journey of recovery from pain to pleasure, acknowledging the crucial role play by their parents to save their marriage. His final word of advice: Never let your guard down when it comes to protecting the marriage.

Marriage is something easy to enter into but extremely hard to sustain. It takes nourishment and constant care. Building a hedge to protect the marriage is not some nice-to-have activity but a crucial safeguard against all manner of temptation. Even Christians are vulnerable to breaking their marriage vows. The best we could do is to learn how to build our own hedges. Granted, there are many useful tips offered by Anderson here, we still need to do our own custom hedges to protect our own hedges. See this book not as some ready-to-install marriage advice but a springboard to customize what is most important for our marriages. For every individual is different and the needs vary from time to time. People also change when they make big transitions in life such as job change; children; neighbourhood movements; financial matters; extended family idiosyncrasies; and so on.

I like the metaphor of the hedges. Not only is it a nice acronym to help us remember the main points, it could be visualized as a helpful way to protect and preserve our marriages. Like a plant, marriage takes time to grow and nourish. There is no short-cut to marital bliss. In fact, Marital bliss is not something impossible. What's most difficult is the commitment and sacrifices to arrive at that. This book adds an important element to it: Protect it. For the perceived greener pasture out there is not just an illusion but a trap to bring down the marriage. If this book could move married couples closer together and to build safety hedges around each marriage more effectively, it would have been most encouraging not just to the couple but the author as well. Avoid if we can. In some cases, fleeing from temptations would be a wise strategy as well.

Nancy Anderson is an award-winning writer and contributor to many articles in Huff Post, 700 Club; Our Daily Bread; FamilyLife Today; and so on. She lives in Orange County, California with Ron her husband of forty years.

Rating: 4.5 stars of 5.

conrade

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This book has been provided courtesy of Kregel Publications without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.