"The Significance of Singleness" (Christina S. Hitchcock)

TITLE: The Significance of Singleness: A Theological Vision for the Future of the Church
AUTHOR: Christina S. Hitchcock
PUBLISHER: Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Academic, 2018, (176 pages).

Singleness is a topic that is taboo among some young people. This is especially so for people living in cultures that elevate marriage above singlehood; setting up families; fear of loneliness; and producing babies for the next generation. In such societies, the default thinking is that if one is unmarried, then something seems amiss. In such an environment, there is pressure and desperation the older one stays single. Even churches are not immune. In fact, some churches frown on singles or tend to create programs catered more to families and married people. The truth is, singles are significant too. The author realizes this even as she was applying for Bible school, knowing that chances of getting married in such places are slim. It was a struggle for her to want to achieve her potential on the one hand but fully aware of her single status. She grapples honestly with her personal emotions while trying to make sense of cultural norms and biblical teachings. This book is a result of that exercise. Instead of letting culture define happiness in terms of marriage and family, she affirms the significance of singleness through the lens of the kingdom of God. Singles can play their part in community building, in gospel sharing, in becoming God's agents in the kingdom of God. She invites the whole Church at large to work together toward a theological vision and acceptance of singlehood for the gospel ministry.

"They Were Single Too" (David M. Hoffeditz)

TITLE: They Were Single Too: Eight Biblical Role Models
AUTHOR: David M. Hoffeditz
PUBLISHER: Grand Rapids, MI: Kregel Publications, 2018, (160 pages).

Should I get married or remain single? Is it ok to be single? How do we live in a culture where being single seems to be some kind of a social stigman? What has the Bible got to say about singleness? Though there is no single chapter or specific reference that talks about the topic of singleness, (although 1 Corinthians 7 come close), the Bible does describe the lives of many single people. In this book, author David Hoffeditz highlights eight biblical role models of single people. Paul is the popular New Testament model of a single man, who taught about the gift of staying single, so that one can be focused on God's ministry. His key teaching is for us to be content with whatever state we are in, and also to learn how to value others who are single, without diminishing or belittling their roles in any way. Singleness also applies to widows like Anna, who had to deal with social inadequacies in the early century Jewish culture. Although not much was written about her in the Bible, the author manages to use her story as a way to teach us how a single person could still rest in God and serve God joyfully. Then there is Martha who has sometimes been vilified for the way she demanded Mary to help her. Using her example, we are warned about the dangers of distraction; a "God-needs-me atttitude," self-sufficiency, etc. More importantly, singles may try to escape from the stigma of singleness by immersing themselves into work and busy activities. Such things may work for a while but over time, reality bites. Instead, focus on resting in God. The prophet Jeremiah is a great example of one fully dependent on God for all his life, or for the most part. Instead of asking why, he prays "How Long, O Lord?" Instead of running after solutions from the world, he prays to God. In the midst of shattered dreams, Ruth is a classic example of trusting in God as her source of strength. In a world where women are treated as second class, she continued to be obedient to God in faith. Then there is Joseph who remained true to God in the midst of temptation and Nehemiah who truly felt alone when thrown into a multitude of fierce opposition. Finally, there is John the Baptist who was martyred. If there is anyone who would feel most alone, it would probably be John the Baptist.

"One by One" (Gino Dalfonzo)

TITLE: One by One: Welcoming the Singles in Your Church
AUTHOR: Gino Dalfonzo
PUBLISHER: Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2017, (240 pages).

Church, we have a singles problem. Not the singles, but the Church perception of singles. This is the single biggest theme in this very needed book about how we have tended to ignore singles in our preoccupation toward families, marriages, and children. In doing so, we are ostracizing the single folks unconsciously when we fail to welcome them as they are, regardless of age or gender. Often, it is not the fault of the individual for being single. Some honestly couldn't find a right soulmate. Others for various reasons are unable to commit to any relationship. In general, we must learn to accept people regardless of their marital status. This book goes deeper into the sociological and theological aspects of this issue of singlehood and acceptance. There are many types of singles. Some are divorced or widowed. Others are separated. Author Gina Dalfonzo, a life-long single, focuses on those who are singles all their lives. She shares and critiques various writers and teachers about the issue of singleness. She points out the unfortunate situation of singles being a stigma in themselves. Married people are relatively more well regarded. That is not the issue. The issue is how some teachers have unfairly blamed the problem of singleness on singles themselves. For instance, if someone is not married, they are too career-minded. They are too individualistic. They are way too uninterested in starting families, and so on. Singles can also be treated as pariahs when they are placed on a lower level of importance. They can also be seen as projects to be worked on or problems that needed a solution. All of these stem from an unhealthy perception of singleness. We need to learn to treat them as real people who are equally important as everyone else. Dalfonzo shares painful stories of many singles, even as she identifies deeply with their predicament. The many testimonies and words bring home a powerful angle and perspective that many of us who are married are unable to appreciate. In some cases, there is a sad case of women reserving themselves for sex after marriage and in the process missed the boat with men who demanded sex before marriage. Is that fair for the women who remained single out of their desire to honour the marriage institution? The problem lies in the infatuation of a happily-ever-after picture of a married couple with kids. That is not all. She also critiques a subculture made popular by Josh Harris' "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" for having hurt many people in their thinking and relationship building. It is an overly conservative approach that seems out of touch with reality that really hurts many people. In a culture where people are "courtship crazy," such a teaching makes it difficult for well-meaning Christians to find their potential soulmate. It makes me wonder whether there is such a thing as "biblical courtship." Other poignant observations include:

"Living Whole Without a Better Half" (Wendy Widder)

TITLE: Living Whole Without a Better Half
AUTHOR: Wendy Widder
PUBLISHER: Grand Rapids, MI: Kregel Publications, 2014, (192 pages).

This is a book about singlehood written by a single. Having waded through tonnes of resources about singleness and also evaded the darts of inquisitive questions about why she is still unmarried, Widder no longer plays the role of a victim. She has become a voice for the singles.

She has three graduate degrees; years of teaching experience with elementary school children; many friends, but no husband. After years of waiting, hoping, and wondering, she begins to see beyond the need for a spouse toward the recognition of singleness as a gift. With tough personal lessons learned, author Widder addresses her fear of singleness with faith in God. She learns to adopt a sense of identity based on affirming herself in God more than simply marital status. The most pertinent question is "whose am I?" After attacking two common lies about singleness, Widder goes on a journey on learning from 14 Old Testament characters. Even though many of the characters are not single, there are principles in which singles can learn to live without the need to get married.

"Thrive" (Lina AbuJamra)

TITLE: Thrive: The Single Life as God Intended
AUTHOR: Lina AbuJamra
PUBLISHER: Chicago, IL: Moody Publishers, 2013, (288 pages).

In this book, readers will find that there are five attitudes to embrace, four obstacles to overcome, three categories of readers, two questions to ponder, with one single objective: Helping single Christians thrive well through the season of singleness, no matter how long it may take.  The two questions to make is whether one ought to marry or not to marry. The three categories of readers are the married, the unmarried, and the loved ones of the author. I will discuss the five attitudes and the four obstacles later.

Beginning with her own personal journey of waiting, AbuJamra reflects on what it means to be single, that one's life is naturally good. There is no need for marriage additive make it any better. Instead of anxiously hoping for a mate to make one's life better, why not remember that one's singleness at any one phase in time is itself a gift? In other words, there is no need to be distracted by an unknown future when one can live gratefully in the existing present state. Using God's Word as a guide, the author points out the sacred value of singlehood as something to be cherished while it lasts. It is a gift from God. According to 1 Corinthians 7, it is personal, unique, and given to us by God. This gift can be understood in three ways.

1. Singleness by gifting: for the purpose of fervent exercising one's gift for the benefit of God's kingdom;
2. Singleness by personal choice: for a personal choice of desiring more after God;
3. Singleness by God's choice: called by God for a purpose that God will reveal in due time.

AbuJamra then recommends five attitudes to embrace. Firstly, learn to be content with our present state. For if one cannot find contentment in singleness, how can one find content in marriage? This may be arguable, but I can see where the author is coming from. It is not the state that defines the identity of the person. It is the person that defines the kind of relationship one brings into, whether single or married. Secondly, there is the attitude of self-control to counter the culture of perverse sexuality, lust, sexual addictions, and all kinds of unnatural relations. The author defines self-control as that "restraint exercised over one's own impulses, emotions, or desires." One important thing that AbuJamra highlights is that self-control is not human control but submission to the will of Christ. She touches on pornography, masturbation, fornication, and any forms of unrestrained sexuality, and warns that they not only hurts other people, it hurts the self. Thirdly, pursue and embrace holiness as a lifestyle. When we are free to embrace the path of holiness, one will realize how liberating this path is from the ways of the world, and from the deceitful desires of the flesh. After clarifying what holiness is and what it is not, she provides practical steps to pursue holiness. Fourthly, there is true freedom as one senses the essence of singleness. There is potential for freedom from anxiety and worry, freedom from pleasing people, freedom financially, freedom of time, distractions, and many others. That is not all. There is also a positive freedom in terms of delighting in God fully. There is the freedom to love people without expecting any obligation of marriage. Most importantly, there is the freedom to embark upon a Christ-love, that only singleness allows. Fifthly, and most powerfully, there is the single-minded focus on God and on serving the Lord. This is exactly Paul's point. AbuJamra also points out the single biggest competitor for our undivided attention: Money or Mammon. 

Having listed the five attitudes to adopt, AbuJamra lists the four obstacles to beware of, that can easily throw us off course. Beware of self-pity that swirls one inward, and sends one heading into implosion. Beware of bitterness that sucks away joy. Beware of idolatry and beware of the lie of loneliness. These four attitudes are not easily separable as they often appear in different combinations. Yet, they come with one goal: To knock out the person away from following God's will and purpose for their lives, whether single or married.

The final part of the book shows readers how to embrace the path of singleness with devotion to Christ, purpose in life, and satisfaction in one's existing state.

My Thoughts

This is a great resource for anyone struggling with their season of singleness. In fact, everyone will experience singleness at various stages of life. This is not just talking about young unmarried individuals. This also applies to divorced persons, widows and widowers, and anyone unable to get married for whatever reasons. One critical point that the author makes deserves attention. If we buy into the idea that marriage is for everyone, how then do we explain God's will to the 45% of the world's population that is unmarried?  After all, Jesus is single. Paul is single. Many pious, humble, believing Christians are also single.

There is a lot of wisdom in this book. AbuJamra has used her own life as a testimony to say that life in God as a single is no less important for the kingdom of God. In fact, it can even be more beneficial as far as serving the kingdom of God is concerned. The points are clearly laid out, with convictions and convincing arguments. This begins only when one is able to overcome self-pity and erroneous thoughts about companionship or loneliness. All things have to be put in its proper perspective. Rather than for singles to be distracted and worried about something they do not yet have, the biggest benefit in reading this book is to be reminded that singles are free people, chosen by God. Free people will freely choose the One who liberates them freely and fully. That is exactly where faith comes in. If you are in a singles ministry, or know of someone who is single and discouraged about his/her singleness, gift this book. It may help lift up a life for God. Even better, it may breath new life to an undiscovered potential.

Rating: 4.25 stars of 5.

conrade

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This book is provided to me free by Moody Publishers and NetGalley without any obligation for a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.

"The Meaning of Marriage" (Tim and Kathy Keller)

TITLE: The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God
AUTHOR: Tim Keller with Kathy Keller
PUBLISHER: New York, NY: Dutton Books, 2011, (290 pages).

This book is packed with biblical wisdom and practical helps on one of the most important issues of our age: Marriage. The author draws upon three deep roots to write the book; his own marriage, his concern for the large unmarried part of his congregation, and from the Bible. The central thesis of the book is that we need to understand the meaning of marriage that is both realistic and glorious.  He makes it clear that marriage is not same-sex, not polygamous, and certainly not romanticism, or defined through cultural lens. Instead, marriage is love unlimited

"The Secret of Marriage" reminds us that the tough times of marriage ought to drive couples to seek to experience more of the transforming love of God. Like Christ, married couples need to learn to give up their own selves for the sake of their spouses, and work toward mutual fulfillment. As one allows marriage to drive couples to seek God more, the gospel will transform marriages into the love that God has intended it to be.

He writes: "Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. God's saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God's mercy and grace." (48)

"The Power of Marriage" comes through very unique ways, unlike the worldly ways. For instance, true power comes from mutual submission, avoiding self-centeredness, boldly facing our own wounds, and to heal ourselves from self-seeking ways. The fear of God is the beginning of a good marriage.

"The Essence of Marriage" continues on the Ephesians teachings on marriage with Keller's classic skill in separating fact from fiction. Marriage is not just a piece of paper but pure love. It is not subjective based on feelings, but objective based on truth. It is not to be a consumer activity but a covenant relationship. It is both vertical (faith in God) and horizontal (trust in each other).  It is a life that draws on the power of a promise. In other words, the starting point is not feelings of love, but "actions of love" that will lead to any romantic feelings. Just like how Christ stayed on to love us, despite our hateful actions against him, we too ought to commit ourselves to loving and staying with our spouses through thick and thin.

"The Mission of Marriage" is again other-centered. It is to be best friends with our spouses, to help each  other become our best, to see our spouses beyond simply a sex or financial partner, but a whole person who deserves to be the best in our eyes.

In "Loving the Stranger," Keller provides a vivid image of marriage being like a bridge over a stream, and the spouse as a giant truck driving on the bridge, exposing the cracks and weaknesses in all of us. Even when our spouses become like strangers over time, it is our duty to make sure that the "someone better" will always be our spouse. When one transitions from "in love" to simply "love," affection, friendship, and service will come naturally. The big problem in marriage is how we handle truth. Truth needs to be handled with grace, reconciliation, and love.

"Embracing the Other" is a call to commitment, and not convenience. This is especially when one spouse doesn't seem to make the other "get it." Keller proposes taking upon the "Jesus role" which essentially means serving, submitting, and satisfying the other more than self. As one takes care of one's  own weaknesses, one trusts God to help the spouse manage his/her own.

Chapter 7 talks about an important aspect of singleness and marriage. The author acknowledges that marriage has been given a bad rap these days, and affirms the good in both singleness as well as marriage. He maintains a high view of marriage, and that singles ought to do the same, even though some may be called to be single. He carefully explains the delicate balance, that while one can pray for a marriage partner, one needs also to cultivate contentment in God alone, to be satisfied whatever the state.  For dating, Keller takes readers through a historical tour of how the modern dating concept comes from. He then gives 8 helpful tips for singles.

1. That there are seasons for not seeking marriage, and that Christian friendships are more important than dates or ideas about marriage;
2. Need to understand the gift of singleness
3. Be more serious about seeking marriage when one grows older
4. Avoid deepening emotional relationships with a non-believing personal
5. Be attracted comprehensively
6. Be slow in getting passionate
7. Don't be a "faux spouse" for someone unwilling to commit; (don't cheapen self)
8. Solicit plenty of community input

Finally, Keller deals with the place of sex. It is for whole life "self giving." He pins the Christian sex ethic as one that is within a marriage, and between a husband and a wife. Sex deepens the marriage union, unites the couple, affirms commitment, and is about the other. With regards to singles, Keller advises chastity, and to devote one to loving Jesus. Using the example of Jane Eyre, Keller points out how the leading lady avoids depending on the feelings of her heart and redirects her energies toward God.

The Appendix lists some thoughtful ways to think about our gender roles.

1. The husband's authority over the wife is meant to serve the interests of the wife, not the husband.
2. The wife's role is beyond mere compliance but to use her resources to empower her husband.
3. Wives are not to give their husbands unconditional obedience.
4. Husband's headship is for ministry to wife and family.
5. Any stalemate needs to be 'broken' with a decision that is made for the family or the marriage, never for self.

My Comments

What makes this book very readable for all is that it appeals not only to Christians but provides a reasonable and inviting atmosphere for non-believers to enter in. In other words, one does not need to be a Christian (but being a Christian certainly helps!) in order to appreciate the wisdom in the book. Carefully laying out the biblical principles, he makes a powerful case for marriage seen from the Bible's perspective, which is far more wholesome and constructive. He is respectful to both male and female. By not talking a lot about homosexuality or gay affairs, he faithfully sticks to his main definition of marriage being between a man and a woman.  His chapter on singles and the need for couples to learn to be other-centered more than self is certainly godsend for many in the Church, especially single women. I appreciate the "Decision Making and Gender Roles" he has included in the appendix which lists what are the better ways to understand biblical submission and gender roles.

In one book, Keller explains biblical marriage, relationships, practical marriage tips, singlehood, sex, and gender roles. It reminds me of another recent book on marriage, written by Mark Driscoll. While the other book is deemed "controversial" for its boldness in talking about more explicit sex techniques and tools, this book is more focused on reasonably translating biblical truths into practice.

Indeed, marriage is a mystery. The challenges in marriage can humble us and cause us to seek God more, to learn to be more like Christ. The single biggest message the book has for me is be OTHER-centered, beginning with our spouses. If we feel alone, if we feel dissatisfied with our marriages, if we feel lost about our spouses, it is time to remove any sentimental thinking about marriage, and to adopt a convenant commitment, a loving service, and continued trust in God. This book is a practical guide to help couples do just that.

Rating: 5 stars of 5.

conrade