"The Voices We Carry" (J. S. Park)

TITLE: The Voices We Carry: Finding Your One, True Voice in a World of Clamor and Noise
AUTHOR: J. S. Park
PUBLISHER: Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishers, 2020, (288 pages).

Many of us have heard about the differences between the head and the heart. The former popularly refers to the intellect while the latter describes the emotions. Using the head means we let our thinking and rationalizing decide our next steps. Using the heart means we allow our emotions to lead the way. Truth is, we need both head and heart for authenticity. Instead of separating the head and the heart into two entities, how about looking at it from the perspective of voices that speak to us, regardless of whether it is to the head or heart? This makes sense because the line between the intellect and the emotions is not easily distinguishable. What is more important is how we listen to the voices, both from outside and from the inside. Author JS Park writes this book with honest inquiry and personal experience about the many different types of voices that come at us, both voluntarily and involuntarily. In an age of social media, we are susceptible to all kinds of comments, both positive and negative. Even the most well-intentioned posts could trigger a whole spectrum of criticisms and trolls. One may claim to communicate facts but others would be quick to clothe all kinds of feelings and judgment on them. External voices create all kinds of inner ripples, some good, some bad. The best way forward is to discern the facts, determine what's helpful and what's not, and to find our own voices. Don't cave in to lies.


As a chaplain, author JS Park has heard of a lot of different voices from people of all walks of life. While he is able to be a source of comfort to help others with their emotional baggages, he often struggle when he brings back these baggages and allow them to weigh him down. Counselors, social workers, chaplains, and pastors are some of the people in the frontlines of these emotional baggage exposures. Such voices could come from all sorts of backgrounds. Past failures, family upbringing, bad experiences, broken relationships, are all contributors to the dizzying array of emotional struggles. Park carries with him scars of the past, both of his past patients as well as new ones. He says it well: "We find that while we carry voices, they carry us too." This is essentially where this book is going. With deep sensitivity, he identifies both internal and external voices and show us how they can be restored and made good. Some of the questions he deals with are: "What voices are controlling me? How much have I been swayed and deceived by them? Where do they come from and what’s their goal? How are they affecting others around me? What are these voices really saying? How do I manage them? Reject them? What does it look like to redeem them?"

The four internal voices to be aware of are:

1. Self-Exalting Voice:
2. Self-Condemning Voice
3. Others-Exalting Voice
4. Others-Condemning Voice

In order to listen well, one needs to differentiate between the voice of pride and the voice of truth. Recognizing the self-exalting voice is key to avoiding self-deception. Along with it are the cousins of the self-exalting voice, such as self-justification, self-righteousness, and self-glorification. He reminds us of the Johari window that comprises the four categories of what we know and don't know about ourselves, and what others know and don't know about us. Adding to that is a "fifth box" of what we know about ourselves, but refuse to acknowledge it. Park lists a few self-defense mechanisms that we need to beware of, such as rationalizing our excuses; projecting our faults on others; blame-shifting; defecting criticisms; manipulation; etc. Learn how best we can receive feedback. On the other end of the spectrum, the self-condemning voice is about paying too much attention to a small chink in our armour of pride. This often comes out due to our tendency toward perfectionism. The others-exalting voice may seem noble, but it could be symptoms of us becoming people-pleasers. It could also be a sense of insecurity in us to hide any codependency inclinations. Then there is the others-condemning voice that puts people down. This is where self-righteousness is on the rise leading to judgment, resentment, and control traits. Park illustrates this appropriately with a movie character metaphor, using self as the "Main Character." The biggest problem is probably how we choose to lie to ourselves. Park proposes a way forward by helping us "balance" all these voices. He identifies a key common goal, that wraps all of these inner voices toward the same thing: They are practiced in order to help us cope with something more serious.

The four external voices ("precipitations") are:

1. Guilt from what one has done
2. Family Dynamics based on Family of Origin
3. Trauma about what was done to self
4. Grief about what one has lost.

These external voices are things that happen to us. Park calls them "shapeshifters" that they can masquerade themselves in different forms. For self-understanding and self-awareness, these are not to be taken lightly because they impact us often in ways we may not be conscious of. Gradually, Park shows us how to find our voice. Knowing how we can be so easily deceived by lies, we need to break through all of these false messages and to make sure our desires do not hide truth. We need to then own our voices and not be easily discouraged. For we cannot deny what is true about ourselves. Having a voice that we can be bold and comfortable with leads us toward empathy, compassion, and presence.

My Thoughts
Park has spoken up not just for the chaplains at large but for many of those who struggle with self-doubt and false narratives about themselves. By breaking down the inner and external voices, he shows us the underlying forces of deception to warn us about buying their lies. He also points the way for us to be honest with ourselves and not to be afraid to be ourselves. We need to learn to sieve through the many conflicting voices that come at us from day to day. We cannot change what happens outside of us as these things are beyond our control. What we can manage is how we receive and respond to them. Thus, we need skills to learn how to go about doing that. This book gives us a good overview of what to do, in the hope that we can construct our own managing mechanisms.

Comparing the chapters on Inner Voices and External Voices, I think Park does a lot better in describing the various inner voices. He brings in different views and psychological findings to support his ideas. Above all, Park is an open book when it comes to dealing with these emotional struggles. He even shares about how he bombed his own sermon! The way to recovery is hard, sometimes long. He is introspective about the events that he had faced. Reading this book also gives us a glimpse on the life of chaplains in general and how we can pray for them. Like many of us in the frontlines of holistic healthcare, we are often on the giving and serving side. Who then helps us in our own struggles? Apart from fellow workers, it is hard to find others who could empathize. Thankfully, Park's book helps to encourage us not to give up on our call to be good listeners. If we could learn to take greater care of ourselves, we will then learn to be better servants of others. This is probably the biggest reason to get this book.

J.S. Park is a hospital chaplain, a chaplain for the homeless, former atheist/agnostic, sixth degree black belt, a recovered porn addict, intense introvert, suicide survivor, Korean-American, and loves Jesus.

Rating: 4.5 stars of 5.

conrade

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This book has been provided courtesy of Moody Publishers and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.