"9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage" (Greg Smalley and Bob Paul)

TITLE: 9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage: And the Truths That Will Save It and Set It Free
AUTHOR: Greg Smalley and Bob Paul
PUBLISHER: Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 2020, (288 pages).

Jesus says that one shall know the Truth and the Truth shall make one free. Many Christians believe that. Some even preach it wide. The main question is: Do we live it? With regard to marriage, how many couples actually practice that? Perhaps, the reality is that a lot of marriages are filled with half-truths. Why? Answer: Lack of trust in telling the truth. Using their work from seven thousand couples over the past 20 years, authors Paul and Smalley share nine of their best insights with a catchy title, that basically says that these lies are the marriage destroyers. Some of the falsehoods come from erroneous teachings, especially those that people want to believe. Things like "marriages are meant to have a happily ever after" or "your love is driving me crazy" ending. Worse, many couples would rather lie to protect their idealistic purposes instead of accepting the truth for what it is. When something is covered up, it usually means more covering up. Rather than building foundations on lies and half-truths, the authors show us Original Truth: Scripture. Recognize the original deceiver: the devil. Remember that the enemy is the devil that is always seeking to destroy relationships, especially marriages. 

The first lie is one of the most popular and insidious lies that people would willingly accept. The "Happily ever after" lie sounds nice to embrace but makes a relationship fragile. What happens once the happiness factor is gone? Smalley and Paul remind us that while happiness is important, the truth is that marriage is about keeping the promises made in the marriage vow. We learn that marriage is also not about losing our individual identities after marriage. It is maintaining health both individually and together. There, the author unpacks the three different marriage models using the three equations: "1+1=1," "1+1=2," and "1+1=3." This makes for a thought-provoking check on our conventional beliefs about the nature of marriage. Couples also believe in idealistic love and romance in marriage, that love is all we need. The truth is, tough love is needed at times. The romanticizing of love usually excludes tough love. When we truly love, we will learn to be open to love. Yet, there is another lie on the other extreme of giving love: Sacrifice. Sacrifice is noble, but when it is interpreted as either totally giving in or giving up of the other person, it is no good. Any sacrifice needs to come with a willing heart. One of the most interesting chapters is the one on "you win some, you lose some" which is a negative way of expressing give-and-take. Worse, it sees marriage as some kind of a battlefield that sees conflict as something that is not supposed to happen. The truth is that conflicts are real and marriages need to prepare to deal constructively with it. the authors then show us the importance of working toward a win-win instead. Here is a summary of the nine points that marriage is:

1. Not "Happily ever after" but about keeping marital vows.
2. Not Erasing one's individuality but embracing all three: husband, wife, and them together.
3. Neither Chemistry nor connection but giving and receiving.
4. Neither giving in nor giving up but becoming more like Christ.
5. Not about meeting each other's needs but holistic care for both.
6. Not remaining in a "reactive cycle" of irreconcilable differences but to maintain a constructive interaction space.
7. Not making the other love us but improving closeness and intimacy.
8. Not about crazy love but about good emotional health.
9. Not win-lose but win-win.

My Thoughts

What I like about this book is the way the authors debunk the conventional beliefs before introducing a fresh perspective. They have condensed their knowledge and experience into nine helpful ways to ensure marriages are not based on erroneous thinking. Proverbs 19:2 reminds us that "Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way." Some of us are impatient people. Like some of the weddings we see in movies, couples were so impatient that they requested the priest to fast-forward the marital vows segment to the wedding kiss. If we fail to look before we leap, we would end up in a regrettable ditch. We are reminded to be a little more critical about conventional marriage philosophies. Don't assume that happiness is the key ingredient for good marriages. It is important but it is more temporal than we may think. Like a journey that has ups and downs, a marriage that is centered on happiness depend on the ups. When the down moments come, the marriage would be challenged. The "lie" is stated clearly at the beginning of each chapter. Not only is it a summary statement of the lie in question, it is catchy enough to make readers want to know more. 

Some parts of the book are disputable. For example, the "1+1=1" argument initially troubles me because of how common it was in the lighting of the unity candle. The authors were trying to explain that marriage does not mean they lose their individual personalities but to embrace the third one: Togetherness. I get that. However, they miss the point behind the blowing out of the candle. This is not about wiping away their individual selves but putting away individualism. In other words, it is a object lesson in saying that they are starting a new life, in view of their new status as husband and wife. Whatever they do to the self have ramifications for the marriage, and vice versa. In a society that is wrestling with the challenges of individualism, the reminder is even more crucial. Having said that, I get what the authors are trying to correct.

Finally, the authors did well in showing us a summary of the different models of healthy marriages. There are the "healthy marriage model," the "Care Cycle," "Heart Talk," "Seven Steps to a Win-Win" and avoiding the "Reactive Cycle model" are good references to keep in hand. I like illustrations like that as they enable readers to visualize the points more clearly. In an increasingly visual world, we need more of such visuals. I felt challenged with I read about the authors' dream: "Imagine a church filled with people connected to the Lord, committed to personal health and well-being, and in marriages that supported those individual journeys while on a mission together to help other couples have strong marriages. That’s our dream."

I pray that it would be the dream of many couples as well.

Dr. Greg Smalley serves as the vice president of Marriage at Focus on the Family. In this role, he develops and oversees initiatives that prepare individuals for marriage, strengthen and nurture existing marriages and help couples in marital crises. Dr Robert S. Paul is Vice President of the Focus on the Family Marriage Institute. He’s also a licensed, professional counselor and a popular public speaker at conferences and enrichment events around the world.

Rating: 4.25 stars of 5.

conrade

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This book has been provided courtesy of Tyndale House Publishers and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.