"See-Through Marriage" (Ryan and Selena Frederick)

TITLE: See-Through Marriage
AUTHOR: Ryan and Selena Frederick
PUBLISHER: Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2020, (256 pages).

In any marriage, honesty is a given. Couples are expected to be truthful to each other in all things. Put it another way, good marriages have transparency as the key attribute. No secrets. No lies. No hidden agendas. According to marriage counselors Ryan and Selena Frederick, "unfettered transparency rescues relationships, glorifies God, and multiplies joy." Transparency means vulnerability. Vulnerability involves openness and humility. It invites trust. Why is this critical? One major reason is the widespread show-off culture driven by the popularity of social media. This tempts one to pretend one is well by putting forth photos and pictures of what people wanted to see. The authors believe that we live in a culture of what we see is what we expect to get. Marriages too can fall into such falsehood. The challenge is to take meaningful risk by being vulnerable and transparent. Avoid false vulnerability which essentially hides what is important and only displays what is less important. With the central thesis of cultivating a "see-through marriage," the authors lead us through different ways to accomplish that. Using Bible teachings as the key guide, they remind us that we do not need to hide in darkness but to boldly live in the light. Living in the light according to 1 John 1:6-8 contains two promises when we do that: Purification and fellowship. Transparency means not only we not hide from God, we learn not to hide from each other. There is no fear in love. A healthy marriage means we learn to be open with each other instead of hiding things from each other. That means we learn to know ourselves and the identity God has given us. If we are secured in knowing our identity in God, we will not easily compare ourselves with others. They expand on this topic of identity through the physiological self as well as the psychological self. Experiencing oneness is one of the deepest experiences transparency can provide. 

My Thoughts
First, the idea of transparency as the key thesis in healthy marriages are deceptively simple. It is tempting to just dismiss this book as another marriage manual. Unlike some marriage books that give us a whole list of do's and don'ts, this book takes the transparency as a big idea and shows us why it is crucial for married couples. Anyone in doubt would probably need to challenge themselves with the series of short questions for them to ask honestly. Questions such as whether they have hidden anything from their spouses in the past and why? When we learn to live in the light, we need to let light shine through us totally, and for our spouses to be able to see the real person in us. Honesty breeds trust. Transparency begets continued openness. Vulnerability dispels suspicions. 

Second, this book is unabashedly Christian. The authors are clear with regard to where their primary marriage manual comes from: The Bible. Every chapter is packed with Scriptural truths from which to draw their insights from. Apart from the regular passages on marriage in the New Testament, they also include narratives from Genesis. While this might deter non-Christians to even want to pick up this book, it might be an opportunity for married couples where one is an unbeliever. Being open to the faith is a test of true vulnerability. The Christian faith has withstood the test of time. Even in the most vulnerable first century of persecution, the Church have survived many onslaughts and martyrdom. Perhaps, the believing partner could openly discuss their marriage with their unbelieving partner so that their marriage can be strengthened further. I understand that religious matters can be sensitive. I would argue that if something can help strengthen a marriage, why not? 

Third, the true test of transparency is in one's inner sense of security and identity. That is why the authors spent a considerable amount of time on our self-identity. Sometimes, there are couples who think that after marriage, they feel ashamed of selfishness when they focus too much on self-identity. I would then say that they are not necessarily mutually exclusive. We can build up our marriage togetherness without having to sacrifice our own identities. After all, our identities are gifts from God. Our marriage is about being free to commit to the marriage as well as our personal relationship with God. Just because we are married does not mean we jettison our own unique selves. In fact, a strong sense of identity is a valuable asset to any marriage!

I recommend this book for married couples and those contemplating marriage. The discussion questions at the end of each chapter are opportunities for study as well as deeper understanding of each other.

Ryan and Selena Frederick have been married for 17 years and have spent the last seven years ministering to married couples all over the world. They founded "Fierce Marriage" ministry to help married couples work and process through the trials and joys that come with marriage. 

Rating: 4.25 stars of 5.

conrade

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This book has been provided courtesy of Baker Books and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.