"Gospel-Centered Marriage Counseling" (Robert W. Kellemen)

TITLE: Gospel-Centered Marriage Counseling
AUTHOR: Robert W. Kellemen
PUBLISHER: Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2020, (272 pages).

For many people, marriage is about love between two persons. For Christians, marriage is indeed about love, but with an additional belief, that marriage is about being united before God. What is marriage from God's perspective? Why must we treat marriage counseling as based on the gospel of grace? Theologically and practically, what does it mean? Unlike books that dish out advice for married couples, this book is about equipping marriage counselors to help married couples. For author and pastor Robert Kellemen, marriage counseling is about helping couples "see their marriage from a larger set of eyes." In fact, he insists that for Christians, it is a no-brainer that marriages are essentially meant to be gospel-centered. So, the author gives us 22 "counseling relational competencies." He suggests that the book be used in a "small group lab setting." For couples, focus not on "solutions" but on "soul-utions." The emphasis is about forming the inner soul. A marriage with transformed inner selves will be gospel-centered. Kellemen tells us the three common approaches to marriage counseling: Family systems; narrative therapy; and solution-focused therapy. All of them have in common the need to understand people; to diagnose the problem; and then to identify the solution needed. Kellemen aims to go a step further than all of these by pointing us to "gospel connection." This is done through facilitating "gospel conversations." 

In Part One, he lays forth the theological framework for the book with this plain statement: The ultimate purpose of marriage is to glorify God. For the essence of marriage is to reflect God's unity in the Trinity; the marriage of Christ and the Church; and to be more Christlike. He uses the popular metaphors of leaving, cleaving, weaving, and receiving, to describe the oneness in marriage. Recognizing the problem of sin that has marred all of life, he points out the dangers of self-centered philosophies that blame, shame, claim, and maim one another. The way forward needs to be learning to die to self and to yield to Christ. He spends time discussing the calling of both husbands and wives. 

Part Two of the book covers the practical aspects, through 22 marriage counseling relational competencies. He uses the acronyms "HOPE; CARE; FAITH; PEACE; LOVE" to summarize all the 22 competencies. 

My Thoughts

How different is this book compared to other marriage counseling resources? For one, the general theme resembles Gary Thomas's Sacred Marriage which teaches that the primary purpose of marriage is not happiness but holiness. While Thomas writes to married couples directly, Kellemen is more focused on the equipper. He also differs from solutions-based therapy book by emphasizing the spiritual formation aspect of marriage. Not only that, he recognizes the many different types of coaching needed for different couples. For some, cheerleading is essential. For others, direct confrontation is needed while some would require tender loving guidance. This means the counselor would also need to listen to the Holy Spirit on his or her role with regard to the unique situation of each couple. 

I like the way the author not only uses the five words as a memory mnemonic but arranges the competencies that are aligned in the general theme. For example, in HOPE, the competencies of "Having Hope," "Offering Hope," "Promoting God's Perspective," and "Enlightening Couples" are all different dimensions of hope. The same applies for CARE, FAITH, PEACE, and LOVE. Five alignments and Twenty-Two competencies. Somehow, these concepts might be too mentally bulky for the average counselor. Individuals would need to understand the rough trajectory needed before bringing in the competencies. That means discernment is needed. 

When reading this book, while Kellemen highlights the soulful aspect, we should not dismiss the validity of family systems, narrative therapies, and solutions-based therapies. In most situations, we would probably require a combination of these in any marital counseling sessions. The best reason for the Christian counselor is to let this book bring us back to the Bible as the foundation of how Christians live. As long as we are mindful of the gospel, any tools available to us could be a way for us to let the gospel shine through. This is probably the biggest reason to get this book.

Robert W. Kellemen, Th.M., Ph.D., is academic dean, dean of students, and professor of Biblical Counseling at Faith Bible Seminary in Lafayette, Ind. Bob is also the founder and CEO of RPM Ministries through which he speaks, writes, and consults on biblical counseling and Christian living. Dr. Kellemen served as the founding executive director of the Biblical Counseling Coalition.

Rating: 4.25 stars of 5.

conrade

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This book has been provided courtesy of Baker Books and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.