"When Narcissism Comes to Church" (Chuck DeGroat)

TITLE: When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community From Emotional and Spiritual Abuse
AUTHOR: Chuck DeGroat
PUBLISHER: Downers Grove, IL: Inter-Varsity Press, 2020, (208 pages).

Self-love is not entirely a bad thing. After all, Jesus did tell us to love our neighbour as ourselves. So, what is the problem when it comes to self-love? The one word answer is: Narcissism. Self-love beomes bad when all the focus, or most of the focus is on ourselves. Someone has said that love is not love until it is given away. Narcissism fits that description of the kind of love that is not given away. How do we recognize it when it arrives? This is what this book is about. Chuck DeGroat has pointed out the major prognosis: It must start with the leadership, in particular, the pastor. The Church of today is swimming in the cultural waters of narcissism. Whether it is a #MeToo or #ChurchToo taglines, many are increasingly impatient about matters pertaining to their needs. More astutely, the author takes us to a deeper level of understanding the roots of narcissism. Taking a leaf from Christopher Lasch's definition of narcissism as "the longing to be free from longing," it is a critical look at narcissism as an unhealthy desire to be dehumanized superhumans. In other words, narcissism makes us "less human." Written over a period of twenty over years, DeGroat shares his experiences with people who had gone through brokenness, pain, and healing. We need to be careful not to carelessly apply labels on people. While we are all capable of narcissistic behaviour, it would be inappropriate to call anybody a narcissist. I think that makes sense. Keeping it as an adjective is more redeemable. Some of the observations about narcissism in the church do offer food for thought. These include:

• Those hiding behind spiritual masks;
• Those who act in such a way as to put others down;
• Pastors who hung on to power and control instead of cultivating healthy relationships;
• That the ministry is a magnet for people with narcissistic tendencies;
• People who are insecure and easily anxious;
• Using spiritual gifts as a gateway to narcissistic behaviours;
• How church structures ought to be examined with an eye to beware of breeding narcissism; 
• ...

At the end of the day, narcissistic behaviour is a symptom of something deeper: our sin. The drive and desire for "power, position, wealth, prestige, success, and privilege" are driving us deeper into sin. In order to tackle this at the core, the author guides us through a series of diagnostic exercises and identification traits. We learn of the narcissism spectrum.  All of these reveal a common trait: Shame. Out of the Ennegram, we get a list of nine types of narcissism, organized around "heart types," "head types," and "gut/body types." Heart types (2,3,4) are primarily shame-based, focusing on esteem and affection. Head types (5,6,7) are primarily anxiety-based, focusing on security and survivor. Gut types (8,9,1) are anger based as they are focused on power and control. DeGroat goes through each type with descriptions and examples. He combines the research on leadership with the use of the enneagram in the model.

The most disconcerting part of the book is probably that of the characteristics of the narcissistic pastor, which the author describes over two chapters. They alone should shake any pastor down to the core. Are they guilty of self-entitlement? Are they centering all decision-making on themselves? Do they feel intimidated easily? Are they always feeling threatened by others? Do they feel indispensable? These are clues to narcissistic behaviours. With the long list, it is difficult for any pastor to escape from that list. One might even suspect that DeGroat is bashing those in the pastoral ministry. Not true. It is a book that forces pastors or pastors-to-be to re-examine their hearts regularly. Whether it is happening in the past or the present, one must be watchful whether it manifests itself secretly, dormant until it erupts in the future. It might not be wrong to re-title this chapter or even the book itself as the "dark side of pastoral ministry." I suppose that is increasingly important for pastors to check their inner selves due to the rising scandals that are in the news about clergy abuse and so on. Redeeming it is better even if it means suffering some short-term bashing. A humble pastor will be open to correction. Keep watch.

Another important thing that the author warns us about is the systemic narcissism happening. The "grandoise" type delights in itself and prides itself in being the "ideal image." The "vulnerable" type is a "collective arrogance" that refuses to be corrected, and needs to feel special and to succeed. It affects how pastors are called. Thankfully, DeGroat gives us some

My Thoughts
Narcissistic tendencies are symptoms of sinful conditions in all people. Whether one admits it or not, even if one claims no narcissism in the past or present, there is no guarantee it will be the same in the future. The phrase "Keep watch" is the key point to remember in places such as Church or any Christian organization. If the devil cannot hit believers from the outside, he can surely do so from the inside by planting a seed of doubt and pride. Truth is, narcissism is infectious on a systemic as well as a personal level. DeGroat does not mince his words as he critiques the conditions of the Church and many pastors he has seen during his interactions. The problem is much deeper than what many people would honestly admit. Which is more insidious? Systemic or personal narcissism? It is hard to say. Regardless of how we would argue, both are serious problems to deal with. Rather than to examine forensically the levels of dangers, or the relative demerits of either, it is far better to learn to recognize any narcissistic tendencies anywhere before allowing it to take root.

The way that DeGroat has described the nine faces of narcissism makes none of us immune from accusations of narcissistic tendencies. That is another way of saying sin masquerades itself insidiously in every one of us. I like the way DeGroat highlights the path toward a healthier and constructive environment that embraces learning. The part about "relentless curiosity" hits home. Churches that are secure and healthy will always be willing to learn from others. This is what discipleship is about, always learning, and always humble enough to seek improvements. He shares a moving experience about honesty among a group of neighbourhood pastors, which one expresses both gratitude and anger about how the other churches were impacting his own church. Being willing to confess one's narcissistic tendencies is the first step of dislodging any narcissistic foothold on our lives.

This book should be required reading for pastors, leaders, and seminarians training to minister in any organization.

Chuck DeGroat is associate professor of pastoral care and counseling at Western Theological Seminary, Holland, Michigan, and former teaching pastor of City Church San Francisco and executive director of City Church's Counseling Center. He is a licensed therapist, author, retreat leader, and spiritual director. Chuck has been married to Sara for 25 years, and has two daughters.

Rating: 4.75 stars of 5.

conrade

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This book has been provided courtesy of Inter-Varsity Press and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.