"The Mr Rogers Effect" (Dr. Anita Knight Kuhnley)

TITLE: The Mister Rogers Effect: 7 Secrets to Bringing Out the Best in Yourself and Others from America's Beloved Neighbor
AUTHOR: Dr. Anita Knight Kuhnley
PUBLISHER: Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2020, (208 pages).

He has been called "America's Hero." Others call him a brilliant educator. In this book, he is called "America's Beloved Neighbour." He is best known for his children's TV program called "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood." His life has also inspired the making of a 2019 movie played by Tom Hanks, "A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood." What spurred the author to write this book was Rogers's ability to connect with people. She marvels at how Rogers minister to an inner-city kid dealing with anger issues, and lamenting about how they need a Mr Rogers in their neighbourhood. She examines Rogers's careful words to reach out to a young boy on a wheelchair extending care beyond the boy to the doctors and nurses who cared for him. What was more amazing was that 18 years later, they still reconnected with much warmth and love. This and many more are highlights of Mr Rogers amazing life. There is much to learn from Rogers's life. Author Anita Kuhnley contributes to this by going on a quest to discover how to translate Mr Roger's positive influence into some helpful tools and strategies that we can use in our daily lives. Thanks to her training in psychology and qualitative research skills, she combs the resources about the legendary Fred McFeely Rogers, and how his influence had impacted lives both young and old. The key trademark is how Mr Rogers spoke to those of us feeling neglected and lonely. That is because he cares. Using television as a way to reach out to people, Rogers also learns from psychologists and relational experts to hone his skills in communicating care. Rogers credits Dr McFarland for that. Kuhnley gives us an overview of the four types of relational approaches: Secure; Preoccupied; Dismissive; and Unresolved. Apart from the secure child-parent relationship, the other three categories would produce different levels of insecurity in a child. Learning to connect with children and people in these categories is the purpose of Mr Rogers's ministry. Kuhnley does the hard work of digging through the materials and available resources about Mr Rogers and offers up seven "secrets" of Mr Rogers's unique ability to connect with people. The seven secrets mentioned are seven characteristics of what a good neighbour ought to be. These are:

1. Listen first (using not only ears but our hearts);
2. Validate feelings (instead of assuming);
3. Pause and Think (instead of rushing to judge);
4. Show Gratitude
5. Develop Empathy
6. Practice Acceptance
7. Establish Security

The author does a good job not just in describing what the Rogers Effect is, but to show us what it looks and feels like. One cannot help but feel amazed at the legendary skills of Mr Rogers and how he could disarm people with his words and reach out to the hurting. He does not dismiss even the most frivolous comments. He treats each word carefully and bridges his care with any hurting feelings he senses. While this book is about the traits of Mr Rogers, it is more about the ways to be good neighbours to one and all. This is where the author shines as she takes an aspect of Mr Rogers's communication skills and processes it with her psychological training to give us a pointer for direct application. In each of the "seven secrets," we get to see Mr Rogers in action as he tenderly deals with some of the most explosive human issues pertaining to emotional and mental health. In the chapter on "Validate Feelings," we learn how Rogers turn a potential ugly confrontation into a precious lesson of emotional connection. This has to do with "emotional regulation" of our own hearts. It takes a healthy person to help another. For Rogers, this began at an early age in learning empathy. Rogers was bullied when young and he was able to take refuge in a loving family. 

My Thoughts

Reading this book not only tells me about the Rogers's Effect. I learn about the life of Mr Rogers himself and how his own background led to his personality effect. People do not become something out of nothing. Rogers had a tough childhood and upon recovery, he was able to fill in the needed gaps of childhood. With that conviction to start teaching young children on basic human care and encouragement, Rogers not only produced children's programs, he fought for funding. He reached out to people. He prayed and he cared. If there is a phrase to describe Mr Rogers, it would be "slow and steady; patient and ready." There is indeed much to learn from Rogers. 

I learn about the power of connection. Rogers had that special manner to relate and to connect with people of all ages. One time, when teaching about gratitude, he asks people to take a moment to reflect on the people who had helped us become the people that we are, and then to express some gratitude for them. In the auditorium, many eyes were teary as people reconnected with their past and their benefactors. It is a powerful reminder that we are not our own, simply because we were beneficiaries of the grace of many other people. For most of us, it would be our parents. For the rest, it might be mentors or best friends. There is much we can give thanks for when we search our deepest memories. 

Finally, be careful not to idolize the Rogers Effect. It is helpful for much of daily living. I am reminded that there is a child in every one of us. In some way, there is a part of us that responds well to the Rogers Effect. This is a good thing, something to help us get back to the fundamentals of who we are, without necessarily being stuck in the past. Like all of us, Rogers had his imperfections and innuendos, something we don't usually talk about when it comes to heroes. This book deals with Rogers's positive aspects in part supplemented by psychological insights from Kuhnley's expertise. 

We all need care. In a crazy busy world, it is so easy to zoom past people as we rush for our individual goals and projects. It is only in the quietness and peace that we can take stock of who we really are, what we really need, and where we really need to go. The key is to get to that place of stillness. This Rogers Effect would help nudge us toward that state, that we too can help another neighbour in need.

Dr. Anita Knight Kuhnley is associate professor of counseling at Regent University. Kuhnley has worked as head counselor of a faith-based substance abuse facility, served as a counselor at a women's community center, and directed a college counseling center. She is a popular conference speaker for the American Association of Christian Counselors and a blogger for the American Counseling Association. She lives in Virginia. 

Rating: 4.5 stars of 5.

conrade

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This book has been provided courtesy of Baker Books and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.