"The Book of Boundaries" (Melissa Urban)

TITLE: The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free
AUTHOR: Melissa Urban
PUBLISHER: Toronto, ON: Penguin Random House Canada, 2022, (368 pages).
 

Some of the most catchy statements about limits and boundaries come from commercials. One warns about driving under intoxication: "If you drink, don't drive. If you drive, don't drink." Another cautions us about the dangers of gambling: "Know your limits. Stay within it." If we look beyond these two social ills, we soon realize that limits apply to a broader sphere of life. That includes our personal and social boundaries. What are boundaries? How do we create healthy boundaries? Why do we need boundaries in the first place? What are the benefits of establishing boundaries? Author Melissa Urban is popularly known as the "boundary lady on Instagram." she shares how she boldly draws boundaries by expressing no to business proposals; limiting any interference on her parenting styles; telling friends where are the no-go zones; and even learning to be assertive with one's spouse. These are just examples of how boundaries can help us and others know, respect, and appreciate why we set boundaries. Healthy engagement needs healthy boundaries. Such boundaries are not there to control people's involvement but to communicate expectations. This is important lest people misunderstand the purpose. Before the author launches into the book, she shares her story of how boundaries saved her. Soon she discovers that it not only sets proper limits in her relationships, she feels free to thrive and help others thrive. 

Her "crash course" on boundaries simply consists of identifying the need, setting up boundary language, and enforcing it. The steps are clear but what is more challenging is the emotional discomfort that some people might have. This is because setting boundaries might become misconstrued as rude. Once the rationale for boundary setting is understood, readers will learn about:

• Using colours to designate different kinds of boundaries
• Principle of minimum dose for maximum effect
• Setting boundaries in the workplace, professional boundaries, and dealing with ethical dilemmas
• Setting boundaries with extended family members
• Setting boundaries with neighbours, friends, romance, co-parents, and others
• Learning to state expectations upfront when dealing with food, alcohol, table talk, and other sensitive subjects
• and many more.

My Thoughts
This book's title essentially summarizes the essence of the author's message. Urban has made a strong case by telling her stories, the background behind her convictions, and the critical need for more boundaries in society. It is her firm belief that setting boundaries are the way to go. I believe she has a strong point, especially in the area of relationships. Whether we are meeting people we know, acquaintances, or strangers, it is always good to have a plan on how to engage as well as how to disengage. I believe that boundaries are not only beneficial for relationships, they can help us grow deeper without feeling uncertain or weird. I like the point that the author distinguishes, that boundaries are not about controlling but communicating. When stating a boundary, we are communicating an expectation. Of course, in any relationship, for example with friends, boundaries are best established together with the other party. One can state the boundary but the other party must be free to negotiate,  accept, or reject. The best outcome would be from the former two. Handling it incorrectly might be detrimental to the relationship. Urban guides us with many examples.

The concept of boundaries is nothing new. I remember in the late 90s, there was a popular book entitled "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. One of the words used in that book is about "control." That kind of language might be acceptable two decades ago. In contemporary times, the preferred word is "communicate" as "control" has negative connotations for now. Perhaps, the author has subtly pushed back against the use of that word in that Cloud/Townsend's book. For me, both are essentially pointing out the same thing: Healthy boundaries are essential for relationships.

Let me add a final observation. This is about cultural differences. The methods of setting boundaries are more acceptable in Western-educated societies. In some other cultures, it might take a long while to gain social acceptance. In fact, in some cultures where elderly respect is expected, setting boundaries like that would be deemed disrespectful. There are also others societies that are patriarchal or lack the kinds of human rights freely practiced in the West. What I would suggest is for readers from such other cultures to remember the concepts first and to take baby steps in learning how to implement them.  

Overall, I think this book is a gem in growing relationships. Highly recommended.

Melissa Urban is CEO of Whole30 and an authority on helping people create lifelong healthy habits. She is a six-time New York Times bestselling author (including the #1 bestseller The Whole30); and has been featured by Dr. Oz, Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and CNBC. She lives with her husband, son, and a poodle named Henry in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Rating: 4.5 stars of 5.

conrade

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This book has been provided courtesy of Penguin Random House and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.