AUTHOR: Mark A. Yarhouse and Olya Zaporozhets
PUBLISHER: Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2022, (193 pages).
Activists hold annual parades to celebrate their sexual orientation. Politicians flaunt their support to garner votes. Many organizations have also enshrined gender equality for all forms of self-identified sexualities. For all the public acceptance, there are still some in the private sphere who are more reserved. For various reasons, there are issues surrounding sexual orientations that individual families and communities need to grapple with. One of the most challenging situations have to deal with conservative parents whose children confess their homosexual orientations, same-sex attractions, or the umbrella term LGBTQ+. This is popularly known as "coming out." Thus the title of this book is essentially about journeying with parents, especially conservative ones, in such situations. How do we nuance our understanding of sexuality without compromising on our biblical faith? How do we communicate such sensitive topics? How do we deal with the experiences from the stage of awareness to the stage of discovery or disclosure? Based on statistical studies as well as personal interviews, authors Mark Yarhouse and Olya Zaporozhets have written this book to guide parents through these stages to facilitate dialogue and mutual understanding. Two parallel journeys are of interest. One of the parents and the other of the child coming out. The focus of this book is on the former. The authors walk us through the process of awareness; seeking help; maintaining the relationship; impact on faith; and how parents can come to terms with reality. Toward the end of the book, there is a chapter about how the Church can help.
On awareness, we learn about the different ways in which parents find out about their child's sexual orientation. Every parent will find out differently. Some through open disclosure while others discover it through various clues. What is common is the uncertainty of what to do with the news. A majority will possess a mixture of positive and negative feelings. A key conflict would be the parents' love for the child versus strongly held religious convictions. Based on feedback from Christian parents the authors offer three pieces of advice:
- Lead with love
- Acceptance of the child and circumstances
- Self-care
Generally, many parents need help especially when it comes to deciding whether to avoid or to approach the situation directly. In avoidance, some parents go into the closet when their children come out. In approach, we are reminded about the dangers of rumours and gossip. Perhaps, the best piece of advice is for the person to tell his/her story. There is a third way, that is, to pray and wait for wisdom to know what to do. That will just be the starting point. What happens next is the challenge of maintaining the loving relationship between parent and child. It is easy to speak of love but when it comes to practicing it, it becomes a growing challenge as the emotional and religious conflicts get played out long-term. Yarhouse and Zaporozhets remind us to protect our children regardless of how we feel. This can best be done when one suspends any form of judgment.
My Thoughts
The authors have written this book in a manner that addresses many concerns of parents. In trying to strike a balance between both parent and the child, they have maintained a position that accepts both the parents' emotions as well as the child's orientation. In some circles, this position is not tenable simply because the issue is far more complex than mere acceptance. If a person sees such sexuality as unnatural and sinful, how could there be acceptance? They could also bring in the question of pleasing God or pleasing humans? When that happens, it will be difficult. The authors try to avoid such a scenario hence their plea for acceptance. They show us that acceptance is in itself a journey. While acknowledging it is vital for parents to withhold any judgment, they help us deal with any nagging discomfort through open communication and honesty. Looking at it from a relational standpoint, all sides could gain if they could seek more common ground. Such a common ground includes assurance of love, continued faith in God, and withholding any form of conclusion about one's convictions. The most difficult would probably be the latter which makes the chapter on faith matters crucial. The core question is the belief of whether homosexuality is a sin. The authors advocate from their research that the way forward would be for parents to re-examine their own faith in the first place. When they do eventually come around to acknowledge that homosexuality is "not" a sin, they might have to find for themselves "pockets of safety and support." This is a difficult position to take. In fact, both positions of keeping the faith and changing one's faith are difficult.
Yarhouse and Zaporozhets believe that the way forward is acceptance. Actually, it is more about accepting the child's position rather than the parent's religious convictions. That is why they include the chapter on "How parents come to terms." Like the classic journals on change, it is easier to change oneself rather than to change others. In the same way, they are telling parents that it is easier to change their own convictions than to try to change their children's sexuality. Whether it is about distinguishing between same-sex attraction or behavior, some parents will find it difficult to see the difference. Grieving is an emotion that should not be underestimated. The issue is complex and I think acceptance is only one of the solutions. Perhaps there should also be a guide for the child to understand the parents' position. Applying the same logic, as much as parents are expected to accept their child's condition, what about the other way around? How could the child coming out accept the parents' convictions? The issue is way more complex than mere acceptance.
It is telling that when the issue hits close to home, convictions waver considerably. Yet my gut feeling about this book is that while the authors claim to nuance their understanding of the sexuality issue, it tends to be lopsided toward accepting sexual orientation over other potential options. For that reason, I feel the book has not presented sufficiently other positions.
Mark A. Yarhouse (PsyD, Wheaton College) is the Dr. Arthur P. Rech and Mrs. Jean May Rech Professor of Psychology at Wheaton College, where he directs the Sexual and Gender Identity Institute. He is a licensed clinical psychologist and author or coauthor of many books, including Gender Identity and Faith, Family Therapies, and The Integration of Psychology and Christianity.
Olya Zaporozhets (PhD, University of Toledo) is an associate professor in the School of Psychology and Counseling at Regent University. Dr. Zaporozhets is coauthor (with Mark Yarhouse) of Costly Obedience: What We Can Learn from the Celibate Gay Christian Community. She has diverse clinical experiences and has trained Christian leaders in mental health counseling in Europe and Asia.
Rating: 4 stars of 5.
conrade
This book has been provided courtesy of InterVarsity Press and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.
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