"Choosing us" (Gail Song Bantum and Brian Bantum)

TITLE: Choosing Us: Marriage and Mutual Flourishing in a World of Difference
AUTHOR: Gail Song Bantum and Brian Bantum
PUBLISHER: Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos, 2022, (160 pages).
 

Cultural Disappointments. Disobedience. Rejection. Expulsion. Disappointment. Ministry Calling. Decisions. Miscarriages. These are some of the events and turbulent stories revealed in this bold book about mixed marriages. Just that one simple proposal followed by a bold choice by two persons from different ethnicities and cultural backgrounds has led to a journey less traveled. Gail is Korean while Brian is Black. If struggling with these issues of identity and cultural challenges are not enough, their children too will experience these struggles too. One choice, many consequences. With deep insight and wise hindsight, authors Gail and Brian have come together to share with readers their story of faith, hope, and love in a world that in theory believes in equality and justice, but in practice are doing the very opposite. Married for over 25 years, the couple has three adult children who live in Seattle. Both of them experience first-hand what it means to be shunned by their own friends and families. They share about their mentoring of other couples, what it means to live in an inter-racial relationship, and the journey toward acceptance in a world fraught with all kinds of differences and expectations. Even the institution of marriage has been tarnished by sin. While biblically, marriage was supposed to be a symbol of love, marriage tainted by sin has become a tool for power, sexism, discrimination, and control. In seven chapters, Gail and Brian share their story. Chapter One begins with their personal plans. Gail wanted to be a female conductor for the New York Philharmonic while Brian wants to coach soccer. Both had their plans disrupted due to the loss of a parent. For all their struggles with the different cultural differences and expectations, they married and found love that defies common understanding. Without any models to follow, they had to carve out their own version of what it means to live out their uncommon marriage. Eventually, they had to depend on each other, to learn as they journey along. Chapter Two reveals this journey of learning about individual idiosyncrasies. Different situations also mean learning about the other person more. Whether it is career changes or family gatherings, snapshots of personality profiles, or behavioural changes among friends, even one's waking up hours could be an unexpected revelation. They share a powerful tip: "Continually choosing each other means relearning the one we've committed to."

Chapter Three covers their discovery of race and belonging. Race shapes their belonging, and belonging is linked to their racial background. Both authors, as well as their children, experience the "in-between identities" via food, language, Church, community, and their approaches to a culture that is predominantly white. Chapters Four and Five look at gender and marriage from a man's and woman's perspective respectively. In Chapter Six, Gail and Brian tell us about their Golden Rule, which is the need for both parties to have peace in their hearts when making major decisions. They use four fundamental questions to guide their discernment of peace. All of these questions center on their trust in God and in each other. Finally, Chapter Seven moves further from them toward their commitment to a community. 

My Thoughts
While there are increasingly more mixed marriages in our society, on a relative scale, I can only count a handful of people willing to take the plunge. Many of them prefer to keep their relationship as private as possible. Those who are willing to share about their mixed marriage experience out in the open are few and far between. That is why this book is such a treasure for the rest of the world to look in and glimpse the many challenges facing anybody who is thinking about entering into a mixed marriage relationship. Gail and Brian have shown us that it is not a journey for the faint-hearted. If two well-educated and dignified individuals could struggle so much, what about the rest of us? That is why this book in itself reveals how broken and imperfect society is. We can also understand why many parents often discourage inter-racial relationships, no matter how idealistic or hopeful our ideas are. It is one thing to be practicing discrimination per se but it is yet another to do so on the basis of care, to protect future generations from this added burden. Of course, it can be argued that love is universal. Yet, Jesus himself has said that while we are not of the world, we are in the world. This is a recognition that what we seek to become is not necessarily what the world would allow. What we want is not necessarily what the world could provide. That is why anyone in a mixed marriage relationship should enter into the relationship with open eyes. They need to know that the future would be hard and even good friends could have divisive opinions. Understanding is needed from all sides: Others to understand the couple; and vice versa. The challenges are real and not to be entered into lightly. For even if a couple understands the risks, their future generations would require help as well.

There is a lot of issues in this book that should remind readers that there is still a long way for full acceptance of cross-cultural relationships and inter-racial marriages. For all the debates surrounding tradition vs modernism, when it comes to personal relationships and family links, differences can easily create divisions, even for those coming from homogenous backgrounds. The heart of the matter is the matter of the heart. We need to see love in all its fullness. That means that we need to constantly train our minds and hearts to look beyond superficial layers of similarity. Marriage is a covenant regardless of how different our backgrounds are. Perhaps, the chief reason to read this book is not simply to find out how an inter-racial marriage looks like. It is also an opportunity to do some soul-searching ourselves, on why such couples had to go through such unfair discriminatory practices in the first place. Perhaps, we also need to look at ourselves on our definition of what it means to love our neighbour. We could be raised well. We could come from respectable backgrounds with dignified upbringings. We might even be boasting about our wide diversity of friends. However, what if the diversity pledge starts to involve our own family members? Will we be equally generous with our love and acceptance? In the Bible, Boaz took a huge risk to take Ruth, a Moabite to be his wife. Moses married Zipporah, a Midianite. Even King Solomon married women from other cultures. Of course, the latter example could be interpreted the other way, but suffice to say, inter-marriage is not a new thing. In fact, the way the Bible has described the different kinds of marriage does not necessarily approve or disapprove of them. If we take New Testament guidance from Paul, the criteria of unequally-yoked is a matter of faith rather than skin colour. 

For anyone who is curious about the struggles of cross-cultural and inter-racial relationships, this is a powerful book that reveals the state of society today and the questions we need to ask ourselves about the extent of our definition of love and acceptance. Perhaps, we should not presume that only Gail and Brian could make that conscious choice to love and to accept. The rest of us need to do the same for all, especially those who are different from us. Choose God. Choose God's will. Choose love.

Gail Song Bantum is lead pastor at Quest Church and has created four mentoring groups nationally for women of color leaders. A nationally known speaker on topics of justice, leadership, and mentoring, she has spoken at Why Christian?, Evolving Faith, Christian Community Development Association, and the Proctor Children's Defense Fund Conference, among others.

Brian Bantum (PhD, Duke University) writes and speaks on the intersections of identity, race, and gender. He is the Neal F. and Ila A. Fisher Professor of Theology at Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary, a contributing editor for the Christian Century, and the author of The Death of Race: Building a New Christianity in a Racial World and Redeeming Mulatto: A Theology of Christian Hybridity.

Rating: 4.25 stars of 5.

conrade

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This book has been provided courtesy of Brazos Press and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.