"Find Your People" (Jennie Allen)

TITLE: Find Your People: Building Deep Community in a Lonely World
AUTHOR: Jennie Allen
PUBLISHER: New York, NY: Waterbrook Multnomah, 2022, (256 pages).

There seems to be an ache for our human bodies. We have heard about backaches, headaches, toothaches, tummy-aches, even something internally like heartaches. What about loneliness-ache? In what is considered a problem that is larger than any kind of ache, loneliness has become a major health matter around the world. As society becomes more individualistic and self-centered, we are losing connections and community living. The downsides of loneliness are all visible out there. Depression rates are rising while mental health deteriorating. We feel secure when in our own rooms and inner sanctuary, yet there is an underlying sense of discontentment exhibited via various stages of sadness. Worse, we are subconsciously accepting our lonely lives as the defacto normal way of life. Unless of course, we learn to fight the lies such as:

• Not needing people
• No need for friends
• No need for community
• No need to rely on others
• No need to connect with others
• That we can survive on our own
• ...

The key message in this book is that we are built not to be alone but to connect and relate with one another. We are our best selves when we are in healthy meaningful relationships with God and with others. We need to belong and be a part of a community, for better or for worse, and this is not just limited to marriage. It is about life. We need friends and we need to be a part of a closely-knit community. Celebrations are nothing without loved ones and trusted friends to enjoy together. Perhaps, this is why the TV series "Friends" had become such a hit. Many people crave the friendships they watch on television. When we sink deeper into the self-focused world, we become more isolated. Here, author Jennie Allen not only reminds us about our need for one another, she shares with us powerful stories about how women washing clothes together in a village experience rising depression when their incomes improve to the point that each of them could wash clothes in their own homes. One stark comment from a refugee hits home: "The more resources a person gets, the more walls he or she puts up. And the more lonely they become." We all need a village we could live in, with people we could grow with, and relationships we could enjoy. She asserts that the Internet is not sufficient to be our village simply because those do not go far enough. For any relationship to be meaningful and authentic, three qualities are needed for all: Availability; Humility; and Transparency. Together with five patterns or practices, we can begin cultivating relationships to "Find Your People." These five patterns can be symbolized by five objects.

• Fire: Create warmth for closer proximity; Overcoming busyness
• Open Doors: Promote safe transparency through sharing of pain and shame
• Anvil: Sharpen accountability by addressing pride
• Shovel: Digs deep toward finding shared values; avoids shallow talk
• Table: Cultivate consistency via conversations; works out any conflicts

My Thoughts

According to a recent Economist survey, men are lonelier in America than anywhere else in the world. The research from the University of Pennsylvania reveals that the more time one spends on social media, the less one has in building relationships. If we draw the circle wider, loneliness affects everyone, not just men. Author Jennie Allen has given us a precious resource to help build greater connections and healthier communities through practical steps and helpful advice. Our society is restless and often lonely. The problem seems more acute in richer economies or first-world countries. If we probe further, we would recognize that regardless of income levels or economic influences, we are all prone to be lonely people. Even for those of us who grew up in a tightly knitted community, when transitioning into different stages of life, we would soon see people going off in different directions. When that time comes, it becomes more challenging to find people that we can trust to talk to and to share our hearts. 

With loneliness increasingly linked to poor health, it is crucial to arrest the slide. Books like this can only work if people are willing to recognize the problem in the first place. Perhaps, if we are honest with ourselves, we are often too proud to tell others we are lonely. Our culture is full of self-help, self-fulfillment, and self-focused activities. Sometimes, the inability to fulfill our deepest needs can tempt us to cocoon ourselves further into ourselves. How do we avoid that from happening? Recognize that we are all prone to loneliness. Even if we are not lonely at this time, there is no telling how we will be when we transition into another phase of life. We can stay off social media. We can also try to turn attention away from ourselves. All of these are useless if we do not reach out and connect with others. This will be difficult because lonely people are quite difficult to reach out to. Perhaps, before we attempt to solve another person's problems, why not take baby steps in doing what we can to nourish the existing groups and relationships we are in. That could be a good start to give ourselves a feeling of the challenges in forming relationships. Once we are aware of the challenges, perhaps we might be more than ready to accept the ideas in this book. In summary, for the uninitiated, first, read this book to recognize the issue. Next, put the ideas in this book into practice. Finally, buy another copy to give away, perhaps to another person you sense might be lonely. 

Jennie Allen is the founder and visionary of IF: Gathering as well as the New York Times bestselling author of Get Out of Your Head, Made for This, Anything, and Nothing to Prove. A frequent speaker at national events and conferences, she is a passionate leader, following God’s call on her life to catalyze a generation to live what they believe. Jennie earned a master’s in biblical studies from Dallas Theological Seminary. She and her husband, Zac, have four children.

Rating: 4.25 stars of 5.

conrade

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This book has been provided courtesy of Waterbrook Multnomah and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.